good morning ~

(click the 2am goats / link to listen)

My Big Breaknot a lot of room for mercy in a heart that's constantly breaking

today’s track is made almost entirely from sounds tooted on a 3d-printed ocarina

got some exciting news tomorrow for fans of sunbeam of no illusion - - stay tuned

been really obsessed for the last couple weeks with the 1987 Alex Cox movie Straight to Hell - a surreal western where everybody’s drinking coffee and shooting each other with appearances by Joe Strummer, Elvis Costello, Courtney Love, Grace Jones, Jim Jarmusch…a really fascinating watch, clearly they loved getting drunk in Spain. And a soundtrack by the Pogues!

We vote in a fire station in the next town over, one point one miles down the state highway - could easily walk there if there were sidewalks, if the speed limit was 55, if there wasn't at least some chance of getting shot for walking too close to someone's mailbox. They're always doing some kind of fireman's lunch and dinner carryout special there on election day so when you walk up to the front door you're hit with the smell of onions and dried oregano (you can vividly imagine how wet the styrofoam gets as the hot sausage and peppers mingle with the microplastics as the food rides back to your house, the same humidity as the jungle area of a zoo).

Noted this time that both of the town's firetrucks have this vivid and kind of Romantic depictions of first responders running straight into the World Trade rubble on September 11th. Never forget, they plead, please do not forget. Perhaps the only moment when the prevailing attitude in this particular county is charitable towards or proud of New York City. A lot has happened in 25 years. And I'm confident that at least some of our neighbors out here hold some controversial opinions about that city's current mayor (even if those nachos are reheated conservative media leftovers).

Remembering how when I used to hog the treadmill at our local YMCA that this one particular lady would show up, cram her wired headphones in, and tune the fuck in the Fox News. Never seen a more willing participant, like she was powered by whatever manufactured outrage came out of the treadmill's TV. Gobbled it up, Ms. Pac Man style. Scowling and power walking and probably very upset by anyone asserting that God is gender neutral. Doctor probably advised cardio to help battle heart disease or high blood pressure - it's like what they say about smoking and walking at the same time, it's net neutral. Would love to know what she made of me, sweating through my cut off t-shirts and whisper singing along and sometimes crying to the sugary dance music I cherish in those settings - I probably made her walk faster.

But if you've never known or never allowed yourself to experience something better, what else is possible? To some extent we all define ourselves in opposition and comparison to others, to some extent we are all oriented away from our villains and our foils. The things and experiences we refuse and the somewhat arbitrary boundaries we assert are kind of the edges or walls of our identities - we are surrounded by dairy farmers - in fact a dairy farmer from the area got elected to the Senate - and yet we drink oat milk. Vehement opposition is a way of having solid footing in the world.

Which is me being charitable. At my best, I do think there is some good in everyone, but then again, the figureheads of American power are deporting people, ripping families apart, sending billions in aid to genocidal efforts, forcing pregnancies, mongering endless war, enacting the death penalty, are all at least adjacent to known pedophiles and sex monsters, etc. There's not a lot of room for mercy in a heart that's constantly breaking.

Felt a dozen eyes on us when we stood in line to get our ballots. We are very easily recognizable as the new sort of people who live in this county despite the fact that we all wear the same Carhartt and real tree clothing but we were also younger than everybody in there by at least 20 years, perhaps that was why we were so notable. Watched two social security recipients absolutely misunderstand how to properly fill in, cast, or seemingly even read a ballot, but we kept our heads down, got our paper in the machine, and were not given or offered any kind of sticker. We were voters number 178 and 179 at our polling place at around 11am, which is honestly more than I expected, some democracy. Couldn't help but wonder if we were the only people so far that day to even consider the Working Families Party.

Had a brief flashback to the day we went to vote early in 2024. Early voting happens in the largest of our nearby towns, in the county building, and it seemed like no one was going to prevent any of these folks from wearing their Make America Great Again hats in the polling place even though that's pretty obviously illegal in New York State. Were the vibes off again? I wasn't feeling super confident leaving the firehouse.

Did my best to forget about it for the rest of the day. When I finally allowed myself a glance at my phone the New York Times gauge thing had popped up bringing what seemed like impossibly good news. We were in Ithaca, Gracelee had an artist talk to give, and yes it was incredibly sweet to watch yet another historic unfolding with my wife on the hotel TV. Democratic governor remains in power in New York State. This is wonderful because we are both state employees subject to state budgets - Kathy signs our checks. Reversals and surprises in places we love, reversals and surprises in places we're less fond of, had something actually shifted? The day felt unseasonably warm and bright the next morning, I bought a bag of espresso to take home with me and the roast is their "leftist blend," I was indeed libbing out.

But some real ghouls got it over the line, too, no doubt thanks in part to the old folks at the firehouse. They can't believe a better world is possible, that joy is allowed. And I totally understand living in a world where you are suspicious of everyone and scared of being taken advantage of - we are all often lied to and live in an era of unfettered greed, where powerful heartless men are inured to (or maybe even get off on) shame. But today at least I feel that the sowers will be reaping.

But what about you? Where were you when the blue wave crested? How do you make peace with those around you who yearn for death and destruction? What’s next?