will to go without

good morning ~

(click the link / river ice to listen)

My Big Breakwill to go without

today’s track goes pretty hard - I approached it like a dub track, recording the groove and then mixing it from bar to bar

tonight I’m taking part in the Moral Panic Variety Hour at the Avalon Lounge, which is kind of a post-modern theatrical series. tonight’s installment is a meditation on the various water reservoirs and historic floods in the Hudson Valley. I was invited to make a sonic representation of a dam overflowing, should be very cool.

we also just announced this extremely cool show at Tubby’s in April - I’ll be opening for OHYUNG, an artist I have adored for a long time. historically she’s done a blend of hyperpop, noise, and experimental rap (plus she’s an accomplished film composer), but her upcoming record is full-on, super sumptuous, romantic pop music (check out this video!). tickets are on sale now, here’s a flyer:

I'm in a time of going without. I very rarely drink anything alcoholic (or anything besides black coffee and various types of water, in fact), I'm taking note very intentionally of everything I eat, and ever since I saw that sow dreaming in the gloam last summer I've remained pescatarian, which has pretty effectively curbed my appetites since much of what is tempting and available in America is full of flesh - it's hard to find anything too indulgent that's made out of beans. I'm also still rocking without a steady job, which is starting to feel like another form of absence - I'm on a salary fast and things are starting to get a little trippy.

I'm also spending my new free time in an arguably monastic or ascetic practice - every day this year, going on almost fifty days in a row, I've made a concerted effort to try and run at least three miles a day on a treadmill, sometimes four. When the treadmill isn't available, I find an equivalent exercise in hiking, riding a stationary bike, or grinding it out on an elliptical machine. I didn't make it to the fitness center of the hotel in Portugal, but I allowed myself off the hook because I was doing 20,000 steps a day tooting around the festival. I sweat with gusto. I'm getting a little faster each week, my legs and ass feel strong and true once again, and I'm also down over ten pounds since my first weigh-in on January 1st. So in addition to going without all the other things I've mentioned, I'm also starting to go without some of myself, as well.

I'm definitely way less stressed out than I was last year - I was really being agonizingly squeezed from September through December by job stuff and just the relief of getting out from under that is probably enough to change my whole being. I'm also spending a lot more time dedicated to my own work - Kendra and I wrote a song a day for all of January and much of the freelance work I'm getting lately is right in my lane creatively, making music for hire and writing. It's stimulating. I'm sleeping better, too, and getting to spend a lot more time with my sweetie and friends. Someone I hadn't seen in a few weeks told me I looked good, that I even appeared tan, and that my energy seemed really good. I felt that all these things were true, except for maybe the tan part. The truth is that going without seems to really work for me.

Tomorrow I'll do something I hate - I'm going back to the doctor. This is just a routine check-up, a follow-up to the exhaustive physical I endured a few months ago, which should be no problem - all my tests came back fine, there's nothing super alarming happening, and since I'm down some pounds I'm sure my medical professionals will be pleased. But for fat people like myself the vibes have really shifted in the doctor's office lately. They used to just aggressively and a little condescendingly recommend the Mediterranean Diet and now they need you to ruminate meaningfully on whether or not you need to go on Ozempic. My doctor seems to view it as an option of last resort - it came up during our last conversation, but it was framed more like, "try to lose some weight and if it's totally impossible we'll start to maybe consider injectable semaglutide."

I'm not against it necessarily - if my doctor (who I trust and I believe truly has my best interests in mind) tells me I should do it, I will sign up. And I would never actively discourage other people from trying it, in fact I know at least a few people who have had seemingly life-changing results with the injectables. Has there ever been a more effective or widely prescribed weight loss treatment? We really are in a new age. But if I can go without I would strongly prefer to do so, although I'm not entirely certain why that is. I think I want to remain solely responsible - like, if these products were suddenly made unavailable through trade war or through the removal of an FDA permission, I'd still want to have the means at my disposal for healthy lifestyle choices. I'm also testing myself, setting up somewhat arbitrary behavioral goals and cardio milestones that help motivate and enrich my day-to-day life. It feels good when you set your mind to something and then run through it, panting. I've pointed this out often in my up-and-down dedication to the treadmill over the years, but: statistically, I easily weigh a hundred pounds more than most of you reading. If you had to carry around an extra hundred pounds or more, would you be able to run four miles? And even if you could, would you do it smiling? There's a very satisfying challenge to seeing myself strong enough of body and iron enough of will to go without. I'm not sure I would feel the same way if I was curbing my appetite medicinally.

But the essential questions remain: what am I missing out on by going without? Are there sumptuous meals of succulent meat I'll die having regretted not eating? Am I in a very fundamental way not exactly joining the party by refusing politely to imbibe? Am I sweating away hours of my life I could otherwise spend in the company of loved ones? Are there fundamental human experiences from which I am removing myself? Could be. But across the room and over a few heads last weekend, as they were leaving, someone I'd rather not see at any other party tossed off a question to me: are you doing good? And though I felt a knee-jerk urge to really lay it on them I could only answer truthfully. Me? Thumbs up, buddy. I'm doing really good. Now scoot on out the door, I've got to run.

But what about you? What are you living without lately? And what are you living within?